| This is how I will keep her, in pieces, she's a keeper. |
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| seeeeeeeeeeriously. |
[09 Jul 2006|06:56pm] |
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How to fix everything - Bayside. |
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There is something very, very wrong with me. I finally snapped, I think. I was never very good at predicting my emotions, but I have always been good at following them....for some reason, I can't even do that anymore. I'm sick to my stomach over the fact that I hate myself so much. I don't know what to do anymore. I was stable for a few weeks...but no, things couldnt stay that way. Fuck therapists. Fuck being diagnosed with everything under the sun. Fuck borderline personality disorder. Fuck bipolar disorder. Fuck everything. I am so fucking done. That's right. D O N E. I am going to let myself turn into an empty shell. I will work and do what I have to do, but nothing more. I want everyone to understand that I am no longer alive because I want to be. I am alive because I have to be. I don't want to hurt anyone else..not like anyone would care if I was gone. My world needs to stop spinning.
I can't type anymore.
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[22 Jun 2006|12:35am] |
I will never forget how good it feels.
My brain is sending me in a zillion different directions at once and I really do not know what I should do. I feel sick to my stomach 99.9% of the time because I really do hate myself. I just want to stop everything where it is. I do not want to feel like shit all the time again. I want to be better. I was better. I don't want to go backwards. I am at 223 days / 5 relapses. I don't feel better anymore. I feel sick again. I am sick. There is something seriously wrong with me, and I hate myself for it. I miss Dr Byrnes so much. I need her to keep me grounded. I can't do this on my own anymore.
Kill Me.
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[14 Jun 2006|07:50pm] |
| Your Bumper Sticker Should Be | 
Jesus is coming - everybody look busy |
..Found that funny.
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| Ugh ugh ugh |
[13 Jun 2006|11:03pm] |
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To be alive - def leppard |
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Yeah. So, do you remember that thing at the playground that was pretty much a big circle with bars on it and all you did was hold on while someone spun it and you just spun in circles and watched the whole park whiz by? Yeah, well that is kind of what I feel like right now. I mean, don't get me wrong...I could do this forever. I may be watching everything pass by and I may be spinning in circles, but it is kind of thrilling and I really am pretty damn happy right now. Some things in my life are going super well. I am getting my full license tomorrow, I have my car, I got into Mox's Peer Leadership class, and, probably the most important of all, I have a new friend who happens to be utterly amazing....But it seems like every time I try to step off the spinning wheel, someone or something spins it faster and harder preventing me from hopping off in time. I am really starting to realize that it is human nature to be out for yourself. Survival of the fittest. Fuck you, Darwin. I feel like I am always there for everyone, but when I need someone to fall back on, it's super hard to find someone willing to catch me. I try so hard to be happy for all of my friends and support everything they do, but most of the time, I don't get anything in return. I think this is all springing from the fact that I am not afraid of change anymore. I have actually decided I would rather embrace it because it will take me farther than holding on to as much as I can in this dump of a town. I am going to work my ass off this summer and I am not going to have a lot of time for anything, and I am starting to realize that my schedule may not be "good enough" for people. If everyone else is going to be out for themselves, I might as well be too. Being happy is what is most important to me right now, and I am doing that. I wish I could please everyone, but I know that I can't and it really doesn't matter that much to me anymore. I refuse to spread myself too thin.
Whatev.
♥
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| :) |
[28 May 2006|11:22pm] |
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Best day in a very, very long time.
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[19 May 2006|10:34pm] |
I woke up in the sunrise. Light was all around me and I felt as calm as a newborn baby in her mother's arms. It was a moment of enlightenment. It was a moment of truth. It was the moment that I realized nothing would ever be as important as what I am about to say. Pay careful attention to my words, for they will be the best advice you ever get. Those moments when you take in all life has to offer are the moments worth living for. You may live an entire lifetime and only have two or three of those moments, but I urge you to never give up. Do not yearn to feel connected to the universe, or you never will. The more you let life steer you, the more connected you will be. Every day is another chance to live. It is not a chance to do something right, or to do something wrong. It is not a chance to meet new people, or to fight with old friends. It is simply a chance to live life and accept what it brings you. Accept the pain with open arms just as you accept the happiness. Accept that sometimes, life makes you take the scenic route to your destination. Don't rush it. You have more time than you think. Smile often, laugh loudly, and trust that your life will bring you right where you need to go.
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| Yeah. |
[10 May 2006|02:59pm] |
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Car underwater - Armor for sleep |
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I should be doing my drivers ed article, since I have to leave in a little bit, but I just don't feel like doing it at the moment.
It's the most stressful time of year right now. I hate finals and regents and all that other bullshit. It seems to be even worse right now because I am technically therapist-less. I already miss Dr Byrnes and today is only the first Wednesday that I didn't go see her. Life is getting way too crazy and I feel myself backing off and trying to stay out of everything, no matter how bad I know that is for me. I have been really irritable and I wish I could start taking meds temporarily until all of this is over. I am going for my test tonight. Tiffany is taking me, and now Katie is flipping out and telling me that she wants to tell mom. I will kill her if she does. This is my business. Speaking of my business, sometimes I really wish I could keep it to myself and not be criticized. I am so sick of having everyone put their two sense in. It really is my life and no matter how erratic or crazy or impulsive my decisions are, they are my decisions and I am fully accountable for them. I just want to disappear for a little while and come back in 20 days when school is all over. I haven't talked to Jenn in days. I miss her way too much. She is one of the best friends I have ever had. No one makes me laugh like she does. I like the fact that she knows where I am coming from. There is an unspoken understanding between me and all of my DBT girls. We know what goes on inside each other's heads. We know what it is like to be so far down you just want to sleep forever and never move again. I don't ever have to explain myself to them. They are so wonderful. My 200 days is coming up soon. May 29th. I hope to get there with only the 2relapses that I have right now, but at this rate, who knows what will happen. Getting to 200 days has been my goal for a long time. I know it is going to be hard once I get there. It's going to be like...ok, 200 days...now what? I don't know where to go from there. If I shoot for 300, I will screw up because it is nearly unattainable. Anyway, now that I got all of that out...there are a few good things going on in my life right now. I may get what I want as far as being with someone I have wanted for a while. That makes me really happy. My road test is a week from tomorrow, which is awesome. I can't wait to have a license.
I have to go do my drivers ed stuff now.
Your eyes are holding up the sky ♥
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| I need you so much closer......<3 |
[26 Apr 2006|09:08pm] |
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Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie |
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Ok, so I kind of had an emotional breakdown on Monday. It's a wonder I was able to get through it in one piece. I wasn't sure why I broke down the way I did...I was like, crying at the drop of a hat and it seemed as if it was for no reason. When I told Dr. Byrnes about it today, we kind of figured out what was going on. There are so many things that I am upset over that I didn't even think of. I feel like listing them in an attempt to get them off my chest.
+I am still angry about the whole Mike thing. I feel violated and cheated and have no way to really change that emotion. I just have to wait until I get over it.
+The Jaime situation is bothering me a lot. I don't understand what went on with that and it makes me so angry that she has changed that much. I really don't want to believe that she is a totally different person, because I truly love who she used to be.
+I am so stressed out because I am always in school or working. I don't have any "me time"
+I am getting really stressed over the SATs because they are in a little over a week.
+Dr. Byrnes is going on maternity leave after next week and I am not sure how I am going to handle having to go see Dr. Silverman again until she gets back. I have to figure out how I am going to go about dealing with everything while she is gone. I have made so much progress with her. I think I have made more progress with her than with Dr Silverman -- and I have only been seeing her as my individual therapist since February.
...anyway, when I had my little breakdown, I wanted to cut so badly. I am really, really glad that I didn't though...It's been so long and I have been doing so well.
Ok, well, I am going to bed now...either that, or doing SAT prep work.
♥♥
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[23 Apr 2006|10:20pm] |
Ok, ok, I know. Second time I am updating in one day. What a loser. Anyway....
I was reading through some old entries on here and I realized how happy I was when the whole Mike thing first began. Ignorance really is bliss, I guess. But when I look back at old diary entries and such, I realize how easily my mood fluxuates and I get angry. I don't want to be like this. The only thing I want in life is to be stable...I don't even care if I am happy or not. If being stable means being constantly miserable, then so be it.. I just can't stand the rollercoaster of emotions anymore.
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| Fuck it all. |
[23 Apr 2006|01:48pm] |
I don't know what to do anymore. I am so angry and upset about something that really shouldn't upset me to this extent. Jaime came to NY and made little to no effort to see me. I didn't get to see her at all and I was very angry. Now she messages me on myspace telling me how sorry she is and I can't help but think....she's not really sorry.
I lose everyone. I put time and effort and love into my friendships and then everyone just...leaves. There seems to be nothing I can do about it. I'm so angry because I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me that it is physically impossible for me to keep a friend for an extended period of time. I don't understand why people leave me. It hurts more than anyone could ever know. I am trying to hard to get better. I have gone 164 days with only 2 relapses as far as cutting goes. I want to be better, and I feel like I am better, yet I still can't hold on to the people who are important to me. I seem to lose everyone and the pain is beginning to get pretty unbearable.
I really just wish I knew why.
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| haha |
[09 Apr 2006|01:17pm] |
hahahahaha
Asshole.
hahahahaahaa
glad it's over.
hahahahahaha
Time to go find a new boy
:)
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| Yeah. |
[08 Apr 2006|09:39pm] |
So, my really awesome day turned into a bad one.
Whatev.
I think I may just go crawl into a hole and stay there until next august when I leave for Binghamton and never come back.
</3
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| We live in a beautiful world...Yeah we do, yeah we do. |
[22 Feb 2006|09:43pm] |
Right now, I am sitting in my studio watching American Idol because I am a loserr.
Today was nothing too special. I woke up late, layed around and watched some tv, and then eventually got ready around 12. Mike called me and wanted me to bring my camera up to Best Buy while he was working...but dad wouldn't take me. Then, we went out to Roslyn Heights for my first individual appointment with Dr. Byrnes. It was such a good session. Not only is the place better(leather couch instead of uncomfortable chairs and florescent lights), but Dr. Byrnes is amazing. It was the first time in a long, long time that I left therapy feeling like I actually got something out of it. She got me to realize the dynamics of my family and how they are affecting me. She also made me realize that I needed to tell Mike that I was in therapy. Dad let me drive home from Roslyn Heights...which was really cool. It was my first time driving on main roads like Northern&Southern State...and we didn't die! I was so proud of myself. So, I came home and I told Mike that I was in therapy. He was really, really cool about it. He said that he was also diagnosed with depression and used to be in therapy, so he knows how it is. I was really happy that he was so cool about it. That boy is so awesome. He drives me insane in a verrryy good way. Lol. Speaking of which, the highlight of my life last night -- Mike went to pull me closer to him and he decided to pull me by the belt loops on my pants...all of a sudden, the belt loop rips on my pants. It was the funniest thing everrr. I almost died. Anyway-- I get to see him tomorrow after work and I kind of can't wait. He's such a cool guy. Back to my day-- I accidentally fell asleep before. I was just kind of resting my eyes, and all of a sudden, 20mins went by! It was craazy. Ok, well American Idol is over, so now I need to focus all of my attention on re-runs of DEGRASSi.
-♥-
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[18 Feb 2006|12:37am] |
Happy x10434309732098503501829738659862965
:)
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| I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where I am.... |
[09 Feb 2006|10:59pm] |
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Such Great Heights - The Postal Service |
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So, I really don't know what I am planning on writing about right now. I just figured I would write and see what I ended up with.
I realize now that 99.9% of my friends are fucking amazing and I don't know what I would do without them...which is really cool. Speaking of which, Coleen(hobag that she is) made a bracelet for herself that says "Meagan Is Lame"...so I came home from work and made myself one that says "Coleen is Lamer". I win.
I finished reading Anthem by Ayn Rand today. It was a wonderful experience. I really really loved it.
I started drawing my landscape in Art today. It looks pretty awesome. I hate colored pencils, though...so who knows how it will come out.
I hate my job lately. I am sick of the day people making a huge mess and not bothering to clean it up. I am completely sick of managers getting pissed because Coleen and I talk while we work. And I am really REALLY sick of the fact that a lot of the people I work with have a fucking attitude.
GIR
Anyway, tomorrow is Friday. Pay Day. Yay.
♥
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| Don't turn around...I don't want you seeing me cry. |
[06 Feb 2006|10:38pm] |
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What Sarah Said - Death Cab |
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Ok, so there are a lot of things I kind of need to get off my chest right now, seeing as I am beginning to hold a lot inside again and I hate it...I have seen myself go down this path before, I know what happens, and I don't want to do it again.
♥ I have had a lot of upsetting emotions and thoughts lately. I feel angry with myself because I am no longer in therapy. I know, that makes no sense. I'll try to explain. I feel like, if I had taken longer to get better, I would have been allowed to stay for the extra cycle. I know it's a good thing to be out of therapy and be "better" or "cured" or however you want to put it, and I also know I would have rather stayed in therapy with my friends. I love those girls with all of my heart. They really do mean the world to me and knowing that I am hardly ever going to get to see them is killing me. I just wish things could be different.
♥ I have come to terms with the fact that Sam and I are "friends". It seems so fake to me, but I am dealing with it now. There will be no more fighting, and there is also hardly any talking. I understand that it has to be this way and I am fine with it now.
♥ Boys are such assholes. I have no idea what is going on with my entire situation right now and I absolutely hate it. I wish boys could just...I don't know...not be such dicks?
♥ I realized recently what makes a really good friend. This was followed by the realization that I have a lot of really good friends. A great friend isn't measured by how often you see each other or how often you talk on the phone. It's knowing that you can turn to that person whenever you need to and they will be there.
♥ Other than that, I have this overwhelming feeling of lonliness again. It's that "swiss cheese with the wind blowing through it" kind of effect. I feel like I am empty and I hate it. I thought I had gotten rid of this feeling, but I guess not. I'll just have to use my skills 24/7 and not let it get any worse than it already is.
Ok, I am doneee writing now.
♥♥Meagan
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| It's been a while to say the least. |
[29 Jan 2006|09:48pm] |
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Torn to shreds - Def Leppard |
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Well, it has been months since I last posted in here. The thing is, my new years resolution was to keep a journal...so everything is written in that journal, and I don't have the energy to write things more than once.
A lottt has happened.
Instead of reminissing, we will talk about NOW.
♥ I got 100% on my english regents, which I find pretty damn awesome.
♥ It has been 80 days since I last injured myself.
♥ I start Drivers Ed tomorrow.
♥ There is a boy that I really enjoy being around, but who knows what will happen with that.
♥ I have been sewing my little brains out all weekend.
♥ Tuesday is my last day of DBT.
♥ I have a good, solid second summer job all lined up and I am going to fill out the paperwork within the week.
Ok, I am done updating now.
♥♥
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